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WHAT I MUST HAVE
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Dramatis Personae
Musical Excerpts coming shortly; |
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HAHA KING SNEDFODNAZ JOGARNI PLUKRAMS (& AS HUSBAND OF 1st OLD WOMAN / AS CANNED LAUGHTER SALESMAN) PRINCESS CECILIA GHOST OF 1st QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ GHOST OF 2nd QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ GHOST OF 3rd QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ 1st OLD WOMAN HUSBAND OF 1st OLD WOMAN 2nd OLD WOMAN  WHAT I MUST HAVE THE CASTLE I, OVERTURE / INTRO: HAHA ACCIDENTALLY ARRIVES AT THE SILENT PALACE AND BEGINS TO EXPLORE. THE GHOST OF THE SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ, A BIG FAT WOMAN, ALL WHITE, FOLLOWS COMICALLY CLOSE BEHIND HIM (HER HEAD IS ON HORIZONTALLY). HAHA IS OBLIVIOUS TO HER PRESENCE SUDDENLY KING SNEDFODNAZ ENTERS AND PACES ACROSS THE STAGE, HE IS WRAPPED UP IN HIS OWN THOUGHTS AND SEES NO ONE. THE GHOST OF THE FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ IS IMMEDIATELY BEHIND HIM, PACING BACK AND FORTH (HER HEAD IS ON UPSIDE DOWN). HE INEVITABLY DISAPPEARS OFF STAGE FIRST ONE SIDE AND THEN THE OTHER (MARKED IN THE TEXT). THE GHOST OF THE FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ STOPS AND DOES NOT FOLLOW HIM OFF, WAITING INSTEAD FOR HIM TO RETURN BEFORE SHE FALLS BACK IN LINE WITH HIM (WHEN HE DISAPPEARS HE APPEARS AGAIN ALMOST IMMEDIATELY) TO ONE SIDE LADY CECILIA SITS COMBING HER HAIR. WHEN HAHA SEES HER HE STARES AT HER, RAPT SUDDENLY HAHA REALISES HE IS GETTING CLOSE TO BEING DISCOVERED AND DECIDES TO HIDE BEHIND THE NEAREST CURTAIN. WHEN HE DRAWS THE CURTAIN BACK, THE GHOST OF THE THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ IS ALREADY THERE (HER HEAD IS ON BACKWARDS), BUT HE DOES NOT SEE HER, ONLY CLOSING THE CURTAIN ON THE BOTH OF THEM, LEAVING THE GHOST OF THE SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ STANDING THERE * * * * * GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: That's it, I've run out of jokes your maj KING SNEDFODNAZ: Can it! GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Your magnanimous your magnificent your majestic your regal. . . KING SNEDFODNAZ DISAPPEARS OFF GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: (stops following him) I can't think of one more funny thing KING SNEDFODNAZ APPEARS AGAIN GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: I've been at it all morning, trying to tickle your imperial fancy KING SNEDFODNAZ: Can it I said! GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: I've spent my life and now my death honouring you through thick and thin - thick mostly - and this is what I get KING SNEDFODNAZ: Can it will you! GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: It's one thing not laughing at my joke but I thought that cakehole of yours would at least have broke into a smile when I passed over KING SNEDFODNAZ IS JUST ABOUT TO DISAPPEAR BUT THIS COMMENT CAUSES HIM TO STOP IN HIS TRACKS AND TURN AROUND TO FACE HER KING SNEDFODNAZ: Passed over? But you're still here nagging me, only now I can't get my hands on you GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: The last time I let you get your hands on me you chopped off my head KING SNEDFODNAZ: Will you ever put that to bed? GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: It still stings KING SNEDFODNAZ: I haven't got much to smile about either, if you must know GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ (she's heard it a thousand times before): I know I know KING SNEDFODNAZ: My national debt is gross, my inflation is full of wind and my unemployment is queueing up outside the gates of the castle- KING SNEDFODNAZ TURNS AND WALKS OFF, THIS TIME THE GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ FOLLOWS HIM OFF. WHILST THEY ARE BOTH OFF HAHA STICKS HIS HEAD THROUGH THE CURTAINS TO SHARE A LOOK WITH LADY CECILIA, HE DUCKS BACK WHEN KING SNEDFODNAZ APPEARS AGAIN. THE KING STOPS IN FRONT OF LADY CECILIA KING SNEDFODNAZ: What is it my princess? LADY CECILIA: I'm bored and I'm losing my hair GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: That's because she's brushing it off the silly mare KING SNEDFODNAZ: You looked a little distracted LADY CECILIA: Brush brush brush GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Foolish child I said! KING SNEDFODNAZ: Can it! LADY CECILIA: What? KING SNEDFODNAZ: I wasn't talking to you LADY CECILIA LOOKS AROUND, SHE WONDERS IF THE KING HAS SEEN HAHA, SHE TRIES TO DISTRACT HIM LADY CECILIA: Brush brush brush, because I've nothing better to do KING SNEDFODNAZ: You have everything you want GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Selfish child! KING SNEDFODNAZ: I've given you everything you've ever asked for haven't I? LADY CECILIA: (ponders) Hmmm. If only I had something left I could wish for! KING SNEDFODNAZ: That's enough! GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ (stepping forward): By the way your maj, there's an intruder in the castle KING SNEDFODNAZ: An intruder? GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Don't listen to her GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: A rather handsome young man KING SNEDFODNAZ: Why didn't you tell me this before? GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: I didn't want to depress you LADY CECILIA: Are you talking to mother again? KING SNEDFODNAZ (ignoring Lady Cecilia): It's impossible for me to feel any lower, I haven't the energy to keep my kingdom ticking over, I can't keep my daughter on the straight and narrow and I'm haunted by my dead wives GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: When you put it like that LADY CECILIA: Daddy KING SNEDFODNAZ: What? LADY CECILIA: Who are you talking to? Are you talking to mummy? KING SNEDFODNAZ (he looks tragically at Lady Cecilia before turning away and speaking to the ghost of the Second Queen Snedfodnaz): Let's go, he's probably already gotten hold of my crown jewels. Where did you see him? GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: I must admit I've taken my eye off the ball KING SNEDFODNAZ (in something of a huff): Let's start with the throne room KING SNEDFODNAZ AND GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN EXIT GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Really! HAHA COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Oh * * * *** * * * I, ii: LADY CECILIA: Who the hell are you? HAHA: Haha LADY CECILIA: What are you laughing at? HAHA: No, Haha is my name LADY CECILIA: Do you know that's the closest thing I've heard to a laugh since my dearest mother died GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Oh, my darling little girl HAHA: But I don't understand LADY CECILIA: Are you the intruder by the way? HAHA: I guess so LADY CECILIA: How exciting HAHA: What sort of a mad house is this? LADY CECILIA: It's a loony bin all right HAHA: Who was your father talking to? LADY CECILIA: He thinks he sees the ghost of my mother, she's a pain in the arse. . . THE GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ GASPS LADY CECILIA: . . . according to him. Dying has turned her into a bit of a know-all. That's what my father tells me GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: I should have guessed HAHA LAUGHS LADY CECILIA: It's against the law to laugh around here. My mother smirked and lost her head, and my stepmothers did the same and now they're both dead HAHA: What will happen when they find me? LADY CECILIA: He'll have your head off too, you'll see. Have you come to rob us? HAHA: No LADY CECILIA: One, you look like a poor man and that's not good. . . and two. . . (suddenly wonders) does it not bother you? HAHA: Yes and no LADY CECILIA: Yes you're poor. . . ? HAHA: And no it doesn't bother me LADY CECILIA: I would have said that must be terrible for you HAHA: No LADY CECILIA: But it must HAHA: No LADY CECILIA: You want for nothing and there's nothing you want? HAHA: No and no LADY CECILIA: They won't believe that for a second HAHA: I've never wanted for anything. What can I say? I have my health LADY CECILIA: Isn't that rather naive? HAHA: What? LADY CECILIA: You must want something. Everybody wants something HAHA: What do you want? LADY CECILIA: I want to feel excited again. So what about you? HAHA: I've told you I don't want anything LADY CECELIA PONDERS THIS FOR A MOMENT LADY CECILIA: What about a kiss from me? HAHA: A kiss from you? LADY CECILIA: What would you do for a kiss from me? HAHA: Why. . . (realises) anything, I'd do anything. (frowning) From being a happy man who wanted for nothing I have become a man who must have a kiss from you and after that a kiss will probably never do and I shall want all of you LADY CECILIA: What about my beautiful hazel eyes? You like them? HAHA: I do LADY CECILIA: And my perfectly round breasts, you like them too? HAHA: I do LADY CECILIA: You can't see their good points under this dress HAHA: My head is full my heart is bursting LADY CECILIA: I have never had a suitor, my father won't allow it, he doesn't let them in although they can smell me, and they bang away at the gate HAHA: I'm here by accident I don't have an invite LADY CECILIA: He'll have your head on a pole HAHA: I'll tell him I've come to read the meter LADY CECILIA: That's a plan HAHA: Do you think it'll work? LADY CECILIA: No GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: oh dear oh dear LADY CECILIA: Listen though, I'm curious: How does wanting me feel? HAHA: It's weird and that's the truth, like a hole has suddenly opened up inside of me, an open wound, and there's only one thing can fill it, and that's you, I have a hole the shape of you inside me LADY CECILIA (turning it over in her mind and her mouth): Haha! (it almost comes out like a laugh) I've never heard of anything so romantic. Let's get married. Come on, you can ask daddy for my hand SHE TAKES HAHA'S HAND AND LEADS HIM OFF. GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ IS LEFT STANDING * * * * * I, iii: KING SNEDFODNAZ'S COURT: THE THRONE ROOM IS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR THE KING'S BIG THRONE, CENTRAL. FLANKING IT ARE TWO MILKSTOOLS AND A THIRD, OFF EVEN FURTHER TO ONE SIDE (THESE ARE THE QUEEN'S THRONES) JOGARNI PLUKRAMS IS SITTING ON THE KING'S THRONE, LOOKING TOTALLY RELAXED, HE PICKS AT HIS NAILS PERHAPS, WHISTLES OR HUMS 'DA DE DA' FANFARE AS KING SNEDFODNAZ ENTERS. PLUKRAMS JUMPS UP AND PROSTRATES HIMSELF BEFORE THE KING KING SNEDFODNAZ: Any sign of an impostor Plukrams? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS (winks): None your highest-ness KING SNEDFODNAZ: What a disappointment JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Have you lost one? KING SNEDFODNAZ: I almost wanted to find him here, at the very nerve centre of the kingdom, threatening me my family and every citizen under me. . . anything to break through this unbearable boredom to be honest JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Yes sire KING SNEDFODNAZ: You see I'm bored bored bored JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Yes sire KING SNEDFODNAZ: This job is a piece of shit; do you know that? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Yes your lordy-ness KING SNEDFODNAZ: Nothing is real, I have people fawning and feigning respect, I almost can't bear it anymore JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Yes sire KING SNEDFODNAZ: What do you think about that? Of course you'll have nothing interesting to say because you're always worried your head's on the block JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Where are the queens this morning your high and mighty-ness? KING SNEDFODNAZ: You think they're behind my bad mood? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: No sire KING SNEDFODNAZ: Well you'd be wrong. I woke up in this mood. I always wake up in this mood. I haven't had fun since. . . since. . . well I've never had fun have I? Let's be perfectly frank. Bloody hell, I've never had fun. Who'd have expected that? I thought maybe a morsel of enjoyment somewhere, a smile at least once I thought, but no, I've never had fun and I've never laughed. In all my life I've been dried up. God, what would I do just to be able to laugh once? A good old laugh, a hearty old chuckle even, a sneaky snigger would do, a giggle, a guffaw, a grin perhaps, a slight turning up of the corners of my mouth (he pulls up the corners of his mouth but they fall down again as soon as he takes his fingers away). Isn't there anything can be done Plukrams? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It's something I've given a lot of thought to over the years your expansiveness, as you know, and I can honestly say this. . . KING SNEDFODNAZ: That's enough. You've come up with nothing, have you? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: No KING SNEDFODNAZ: Just as I thought, you bumbling idiot JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: But. . . KING SNEDFODNAZ: Shut up! JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: But I do have a joke for you your gorgeousness. You know how partial you are to a joke. . . KING SNEDFODNAZ: Are you having a bloody laugh? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It's a very funny joke KING SNEDFODNAZ: Come here, I'll do for you THE KING CHASES PLUKRAMS AROUND THE THRONE. FINALLY HE STOPS, BENDING OVER, HIS HANDS ON HIS KNEES, OUT OF BREATH. JOGARNI PLUKRAMS STANDS SOME DISTANCE OFF KING SNEDFODNAZ: Plukrams, my dear Plukrams, well done, I can see what you had in mind. . . and what a wonderful effort it was. . . but not a giggle you see, and besides I'm too out of breath. But the main thing is you were willing to put yourself on the line your head on the block, you were willing to suffer my wrath in your efforts to make me laugh. . . Come here, all is forgiven JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: No KING SNEDFODNAZ: Come here dear boy. I want to give you a medal JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: A medal? What for? KING SNEDFODNAZ: Because you deserve one JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: A medal? KING SNEDFODNAZ (he looks in his pockets for a medal): Yes (. . . but he can't find one so he unpins one from his own chest and holds it out) Here we are. This particular one is for bravery and general all-round-goodness JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: For me? KING SNEDFODNAZ: Let me pin it on JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: I've always wanted a medal JOGARNI PLUKRAMS STEPS CLOSER, HESITANTLY KING SNEDFODNAZ: Puff out your chest, this is the greatest moment of your life so far JOGARNI PLUKRAMS PUFFS OUT HIS CHEST AND THE KING STICKS HIM WITH THE PIN. JOGARNI PLUKRAMS YELLS AND LEAPS IN THE AIR AS HAHA AND LADY CECILIA ENTER, HAND IN HAND LADY CECILIA: Daddy THE MALEVOLENT KING TURNS TO FACE THEM LADY CECILIA: I'm going to be married A MOMENT'S PAUSE AND THEN KING SNEDFODNAZ BECOMES APOPLECTIC AND PERFORMS A SMALL INSANE DANCE THE FIRST, SECOND & THIRD QUEENS FILE ON AND WALK ACROSS IN FRONT OF THE KING CAUSING HIM TO STOP DANCING. THEY ARE SAYING: HO HO, HO HO IN HARMONY WITH EACH OTHER GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SITS ON THE DISTANT STOOL JOGARNI PLUKRAMS WHISPERS IN THE KING'S EAR * * * * * I, iv: HAHA: I won't beat about the bush your majesty, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand in matrimony. I've seen her and I've fallen for her proper. I stumbled into here quite by accident, but now I'm beginning to think it was fate that brought us together and it wasn't an accident at all, because if I hadn't got myself lost I would never have chanced across her and my life would never have been the same, it would always have been lacking. . . and worse than that I would have gone through it not knowing, because I hadn't known what I'd wanted until it was there in front of me. (he looks longingly and lovingly at LADY CECELIA). I thought I was happy enough to want nothing and strive for nothing. . . how wrong can you be? KING SNEDFODNAZ: You're clearly not good enough for any daughter of mine. What do you do, where do you come from? HAHA: I live on the estate and at the moment I'm in between jobs KING SNEDFODNAZ: You're not worthy LADY CECILIA: He's what I want daddy KING SNEDFODNAZ: He isn't worthy. He isn't worthy. He isn't worthy HAHA: That's right I'm not worthy, but I shall stop at nothing to make her happy LADY CECILIA: You see daddy KING SNEDFODNAZ (turning to JOGARNI PLUKRAMS): What shall I do Plukrams, she's got her heart set on him and she always gets what she wants GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: He's right she's spoilt GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Don't look at me, I only gave birth to her, soon after that I was out of the picture and it was you that raised her JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Accuse him of some horrible crime and let's finish it here and now GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Are you blaming me? KING SNEDFODNAZ: What crime? GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Who bought her more jewels than she could ever wear? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Burglary of course KING SNEDFODNAZ: Burglary! Brilliant! JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Wasn't he caught breaking into the castle after all? KING SNEDFODNAZ (to HAHA): I'll have your head on a pole son HAHA: But I found the back door open your highness, I didn't break in anywhere KING SNEDFODNAZ: Who left the back door open? GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ PUTS HER HAND UP GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Me! Me! Me! KING SNEDFODNAZ (after an askance look at GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN, to PLUKRAMS): Not breaking in as such LADY CECILIA: The only thing he's come to steal daddy is my heart KING SNEDFODNAZ: You'll never make the burglary thing stick, you're going to have to come up with some other trick JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: What's the worst crime in the land? KING SNEDFODNAZ: Don't even mention it JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: That's my plan B KING SNEDFODNAZ: On the other hand JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: You like it? KING SNEDFODNAZ: I like it (to HAHA) I'll have your head on a stick yet, you'll see GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: I can't watch GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Another poor lamb to the slaughter GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: That Plukrams is a sly bastard GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: What will this do to my daughter GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: That Plukrams. That Plukrams GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: He was the one who shopped me. I was only carrying out my beauty regime when he accused me of an outbreak of mirth (she illustrates by executing her facial exercises, which could, at a push, be construed as a smile) Nothing was further from the truth I can tell you GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: There was no outbreak of mirth during my marriage to him either GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Woe is the pair of us, wretched in life and miserable in death and still clinging onto it with our last fingers GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: After death, what is there? GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Exactly, you're out of the master bedroom and into the spare room GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: The spare bedroom. . .? I have to sleep in the box room GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ (nodding to GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ): And look at poor Bessie, she has to kip down in the dog house GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ (already hysterical, when she is not mute she is hysterical): That's right that's right okay okay that's right THE FIRST & SECOND QUEENS LOOK DERISIVELY AT THE THIRD QUEEN, TUTTING AND GOSSIPING TO EACH OTHER KING SNEDFODNAZ: How are we going to do this? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Don't worry your Mirthlessness, this boy is a sucker for a happy ending JOGARNI PLUKRAMS BEGINS TO PROWL ROUND HAHA, LOOKING TO UNSETTLE HIM. AT VARIOUS MOMENT'S HE WHISPERS IN HAHA'S EAR HAHA: What are you saying to me? KING SNEDFODNAZ: What are you saying to him? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: I'll tell you this for free. . . GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! KING SNEDFODNAZ: Plukrams! Answer me, your king JOGARNI PLUKRAMS (his finger in the air): It's a fling! HAHA: It's not KING SNEDFODNAZ: What? HAHA: It's the real thing LADY CECILIA: When he talks to me my heart takes wing GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Cuckoo! Cuckoo! JOGARNI PLUKRAMS (he brings his finger slowly down until it is pointing at HAHA): What was that? HAHA: What? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It was a smile your highness KING SNEDFODNAZ: What? A smile! JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Nothing less KING SNEDFODNAZ: We've got him now though it took a while JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Yes, it was definitely a smile KING SNEDFODNAZ (incensed): A smile! A smile! JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It was definitely a smile, didn't you see it? KING SNEDFODNAZ: What? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It KING SNEDFODNAZ: Oh yes, that was definitely it HAHA: It wasn't a smile your highness KING SNEDFODNAZ: It wasn't a smile? LADY CECILIA: It wasn't a smile JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It was a smile HAHA: No THEY ALL LOOK AT HAHA LADY CECILIA (to distract): It was a twitch KING SNEDFODNAZ: A twitch? LADY CECILIA: A nervous twitch JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It was a smile HAHA: No KING SNEDFODNAZ: Not a twitch? THEY ALL LOOK AT HAHA LADY CECILIA (to distract): A tic KING SNEDFODNAZ: A tic? LADY CECILIA: Yes HAHA: No KING SNEDFODNAZ: Not a tic, not a twitch? HAHA: No LADY CECILIA: Not a tic, not a twitch JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It was a smile HAHA: No LADY CECILIA: It was a spasm KING SNEDFODNAZ: A spasm? LADY CECILIA: A spasm. A spasm. A spasm THEY ALL LOOK AT HAHA HAHA: No KING SNEDFODNAZ: Not a twitch, not a tic, not a spasm? LADY CECILIA (holding up her finger to test the breeze): Then it must have been the wind KING SNEDFODNAZ: The wind? The bloody wind? HAHA: No! JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It was a smile, plain as the nose on my face KING SNEDFODNAZ: What was it? HAHA: I was merely distracted by this piece of food stuck in my tooth (he shows them) I was working it loose with my tongue, like this (he shows them) THERE IS SILENCE FOR A MOMENT WHILE THEY ALL CONSIDER HAHA'S EXPLANATION - IT IS CLEARLY THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE OF THEM ALL GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ (suddenly, and hysterically of course): It was me! It was me! I did it! I did it! I smiled I smiled I smiled (before she once again lapses into silence - no one has paid her any attention) KING SNEDFODNAZ GETS TO HIS FEET AND WALKS AROUND HAHA KING SNEDFODNAZ: What do you think? Did it look like he was picking his teeth to you? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Picking his teeth. . . picking his teeth. . . ha! GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Ha! He said ha! GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Ha! Ha! Ha! GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Did you hear that? KING SNEDFODNAZ: What? GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: What do you think? GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: What did that sound like to you your maj? GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: A laugh KING SNEDFODNAZ: A laugh you say? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: No your holiness GHOST OF FIRST QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: 'Ha' sounds like a laugh to me GHOST OF THIRD QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: Ha! Ha! Ha! GHOST OF SECOND QUEEN SNEDFODNAZ: That's right, it sounded suspiciously like a laugh to me too JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: It was a means of describing my disbelief, your highness, at his story. . . about cleaning his teeth with his tongue KING SNEDFODNAZ (considers PLUKRAMS for a moment before turning away from him, bored): What's your name son? HAHA: Haha KING SNEDFODNAZ: Fuck JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Let's revert to Plan C KING SNEDFODNAZ: Plan C? Have we got a plan C? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Give him something to do, to prove his love KING SNEDFODNAZ: Brilliant! (to HAHA) I've got you this time. (considers a moment, to PLUKRAMS) But what? JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Make him bring you the shirt of a happy man KING SNEDFODNAZ: What? But that's impossible! JOGARNI PLUKRAMS: Your highness JOGARNI PLUKRAMS WHISPERS IN THE KING'S EAR KING SNEDFODNAZ: Of course, the shirt of a happy man. That's what I want. Bring me the shirt of a happy man and your can have the hand of my daughter in marriage. And I'll throw in one of these complete kitchen knives sets as well HAHA: I'll do it, and I'll succeed KING SNEDFODNAZ: I'll hold her for one year and if you're not back I shall marry her to the Earl of Glossop ARIA 'WHAT I MUST HAVE' SUNG BY ALL FOUR CHARACTERS: - THE KING MUST HAVE THE SHIRT OF A HAPPY MAN - HAHA MUST HAVE LACY CECELIA - LADY CECILIA MUST HAVE WHAT SHE CAN'T HAVE - PLUKRAMS MUST HAVE POWER OVER THE THRONE THE GHOSTS OF THE QUEENS SING HA! HA! HA! * * * * * I, v: HAHA: Wait for me my love LADY CECILIA: How long will you be? HAHA: If I'm fleet of foot and have a bit of luck, not long. LADY CECILIA: I'll put the kettle on HAHA: Remember I love you LADY CECILIA: And I love you. I shall sit by my window until you have come back HAHA LEAVES THE CASTLE Text: © Glen Neath 2004 * * * * *
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©Copyright Benjamin Mawson 2011
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